------------------------------------------------------------------------


Over the tannoy: Tube drivers lighten up 


I was at Mill Hill East the other day, a quiet tube station, and the 
driver of the train said something like: "Hello this is xxx speaking, 
I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we 
will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our 
scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden 
is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time 
zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

I was on the Northern line again, and we all got chucked out of the tube 
because it was broken. Obviously when the next tube came along, we all 
tried to get on, and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS"
before we could get going. When we finally started moving again, the 
driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please 
note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are 
the doors".

I heard this on the Northern line recently: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, 
not just the two in the middle".

On my way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. 
After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "Sorry for the delay, but 
there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the 
driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an 
incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good 
thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. 
(*pause* *lower voice*) Either that or shoot them."

A friend of a friend worked as a station assistant at Warren Street 
station and one day whilst making a public announcement about busking 
and begging on London Underground, he got the two slightly confused and
came up with the following gem: "London Underground would like to remind
everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"

On a Northern Line train last week the driver made this announcement: 
"Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping
at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". 
Then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen, this train IS stopping at 
Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know".

On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of
the train, the driver announced: "You should have done it mate, it might
have knocked some sense into you".

My friend was waiting the other night for the Northern Line when the 
tannoy burst into life with the following, which I think sums up British
understatement: "When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished,
would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you".


------------------------------------------------------------------------


[Shamelessly lifted off www.boreme.com]

Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.