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Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns 
   blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, then strangle him until he 
   turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait 'till 5 o'clock).

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four - two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: If an elephant's front legs are going 5mph, what are it's back legs
   doing?
A: Hauling ass, baby, hauling ass!!

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
   the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: You can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VWs in the fridge.
   A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, 
   and all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant to work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a bunch of blueberries?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries (Jane was colour blind).

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on,
   coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 
   5 tons of bananas...

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 o'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it obviously works!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
   wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is money on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
   down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
   mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.

Q: What is that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
A: Slow natives.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
   stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18-inch asshole!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and one in the glove compartment.




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[From the personal archives, cartoon by HMVH, 1989]

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants:
It's done on a very high level, there's a lot of stomping and 
screaming involved, and it takes two years to get any results.