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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those 
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much would you like it to be?"



A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there 
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

Much to his surprise though, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and 
came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"



A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city 
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of 
Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. 

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an 
attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."



Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the 
judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer 
of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have
him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his
fee, so he went and took the car I stole."



"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.



For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with 
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he 
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. 

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat 
up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to 
have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."



God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"



A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made 
his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like 
on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"



An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"



A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the 
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a 
week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods 
section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living 
in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech 
companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in 
tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. 
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure 
enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He
just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled 
his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"



A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a 
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" 

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me 
today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would 
be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from 
the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.



It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his 
own pockets.



A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."


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[From the personal archives]

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.