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Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a
dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: No? Good!
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: Throw him an anchor.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to
cluck defiance.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only One. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
ladder company.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honour.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?
A: His personality.
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
Q: What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?
A: A daughter named Chelsea Clinton.
Q: Why should scientists use lawyers instead of white mice?
A1: The lab technicians do not get as attached to the lawyers as they
do to white mice.
A2: There is not as much public outrage over the use of lawyers in lab
experiments.
A3: The lawyers are willing to do things that the white mice wouldn't.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized
by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
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[From the personal archives]
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
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