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TO: All Parents
CC: Good Little Boys and Girls

FROM: Santa Claus

SUBJECT: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE


I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer 
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to 
the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated 
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain 
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for 
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with 
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. 

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of 
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a 
few differences between us, such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from 
   Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker 
   that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
   RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba 
   doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have 
   an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs 
   instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple 
   of my reindeer one time, and Dasher's head now overlooks Bubba's 
   fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." 
   when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on 
   Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott, 
   and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
   to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have 
   a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
   The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well.
   One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" 
   and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated 
   viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and 
   "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus 
    and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the 
   wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put 
   presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 
   "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is 
   Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played 
   on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will 
   be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cledus T. Judd's
   "All I Want for Christmas Is My Wife and My Trailer Back."


Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member)
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209


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[Pilfered off some innocent and unsuspecting site]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows 
where all the bad girls live.