My first homepage!

Howdy y'all! Welcome to my website.

We just got AOL so I made this here page to introduce myself and my friends and family.
The internet is soooooo !!!!


This is me, Averell! Mom says I got all the good looks in the family.
I'm already in 6. grade and will be graduating real soon.
We live in Jacksonville, South Carolina in a trailer park called Utopia.

This is our trailer. It's real big. There's even a bathroom inside.

This is my girlfriend, Bertha.
I love her lots. We wanna get married.
Then we're going to Graceland for our honeymoon!

And here's my mom. She has lots of boyfriends.
One of them even has a job.

This is my brother Dwayne. He thinks he's also a babe hound but girls
make spit roll down his chin. He has a stomach problem and farts a lot.

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking an eggbeater after
Mom made a cake and her boyfriend Larry turned it on by accident.

Hank is my oldest brother. He is in jail right now. When he gets out
he ain't allowed to be around animals and power tools no more.

This is my sister Sue-Anne. She is real famous now since
her boyfriend Darryll spray-painted her name on an overpass.
Her best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

Darlene is my other sister. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer.
She was born on a pool table and can spit tobacco over 15 yards far!

My brother Jake holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers.
Jake crashes a lot and talks real slow now. The doctor told him to wear a helmet.

My oldest sister is Ellen. She has 14 kids and they all look different.
We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

This is my sister's boyfriend - for now. His name is Wendell.
He fixes lawnmowers in the city. Ellen says he has a hairy butt.

This is one of our dogs. We used to have 4 of them
but the others got killed when our front porch collapsed.

My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad. He lives in a Federal
Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 30 years we are going fishing.

This is my dad's truck. The bloodstains inside are almost all gone.

This is my aunt. She always laughs when she sees me.
She keeps the tooth she lost while opening a beer bottle
in her "lucky" match box.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells real bad.
So her first husband Awe divorced her. Grandma has sores all over
and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway.
He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

This is Buck. He is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is
going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

This is my other cousin. Larry works at the fertiliser store.
His parakeet knows how to say "Open up, police!"


This is his brother Darryll and his wife.
She can burp and say her name at the same time!
Darryll has the biggest belt buckle I've ever seen
and has spoken to Elvis down at the store (he says).


This is their daughter (I forgot her name). She creeps me out.
Her Dad never lets her play in the front of their camper.

That's his other brother Darryll, Sue-Anne's boyfriend. He's got at least
30 different baseball caps and knows 6 ways how to bend their bills!

This is my uncle Woody. He had a hunting accident years ago.
The bullet is lodged just over his left ear. It's hard to understand
him sometimes and he always stinks like rotted cheese.

Here's his wife, aunt Edna. She was homecoming queen and so she
had no trouble getting a job selling cosmetics at the department store.


This is Gramps and his wife. When he comes over for the Thanksgiving
barbecue he always makes me pull his finger. Last year Granny lit a cigarette
in the bathroom and blew the house right off of its wheels.

This is Dale. He used to also be my brother but got killed
by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

These are the kids Dale hung out with: Bo, Hoyt and Homer.
My brother Dwayne says they act like "African-Americans"
since we ain't allowed to call 'em "niggers" no more.

This is Chip. He used to be real mean to be. One time I caught him jerking off
behind his Dad's computer. When Chip grows up he wants to work for Microsoft.

Mr. Anderson is Chip's dad. He helped me with this HTML stuff because
he can type real fast. He says he makes a lot of spam but I ain't never
seen no grill in their kitchen? Wierd guy.

This is my other friend. I forgot his name. When we met he
was offering me candies. He's always been very nice to me.

That's my friend's place. It's very cozy inside.
Sometimes he shows me movies with naked men.

Speaking of naked men! This is one of the men that comes to visit Mom.
Chip helped me sneak this picture. The internet is so kewl! LOL! :-)


Here's another two men that come to visit Mom sometimes.

This is cousin, Betty. She once throwed her panties on the stage at a
concert and none other than Garth Brooks himself throwed 'em right back.
She now refuses to wash them and brags about them on every date.

Earl runs the diner at the truck stop where Betty works. The ASPCA raided their
kitchen the one day. He got himself a VCR so he can tape the wrestling while he's working.


Here's my half brother Luther and his girlfriend. She is a real hottie.
They raise possum in their back yard. They ain't allowed to have no children.

Andrew Eldritch lookalike?

Ray runs the fertiliser store. He wants to be a trooper since his best
buddy Sam gone missing a few months ago. Ray thinks Sam was abducted.
He has a stuffed beaver in his den and says he's seen UFO's.

This is Sam. He disappeared about 10 months ago.
Sam and Ray always got dressed up for Halloween to scare all the kids.
We used to throw rotten tomatoes at them until Sam showed me some
skanky pictures on the internet.

I gotta admit that I'm not sure who's daughter she really is,
but this is 'cousin' Hattie. She's unemployed now. She got fired
from her construction job because they said she cusses lots.

Hattie's kid is real smart. He can memorize the whole phone book.
That's because he's artistic. I never seen no painting in her
trailer thou. Hattie won't let me take a picture of Bobbie-Sue.

Ha! But I snuck a pic of her dog. At least it used to be.
The taxidermist ain't through with it yet.

That's our neighbor, Bubba. His wife's pregnant again.
The doctor told Marge to quit drinking this time round.
Bubba keeps his dog and his wallet on the same chain.

This is their son, Vern. His mother still has to dress him.
Sometimes he pees his pants. He wants to open a fireworks stand.

Bubba's always complaining about his other neighbors.
He says Delmont and Clarice make him think of all them folks on
the "Jerry Springer Show". Clarice once come home with a mark
on her forehead that looked like a belt buckle. Hehehe!

Clint lives over yonder by the power lines. He's a lucky guy. A twister once
made his truck land on the roof of his house. He was driving it at the time.
He always smells of beer and thunk that was very funny.

Curly reckons him and me have the same Dad. I don't see no resemblance.
His friend Dwight has been on TV twice 'cos them's the ones that discovered
the circles in the corn field.

This is where Jeb normally lives. Now he lives in jail. He got bust for
shooting some hippies that was stealing refrigerator parts from his yard.

White Trash Britney Spears

Brit works at the laundromat. She wants to be a model so
she got herself a stairmaster. It even came with a ashtray.

This is Father Enus. Come Christmas he dresses up
as Santa and has all the Moms sit on his lap.

That there is Abe. He's the chili bean champion of our county.
He's also the cook at the diner and always on his big white phone.

And that's Abe's dog. He takes it to work with him.
They also use the same tree out back.

This is Peggy. Peggy's hair always gets messed up by ceiling fans.
She grows onions in the old bathtub in front of her house.
Abe's courting her now her husband rolled his tractor.


Uncle Otis is a financial genius. He works at the checkout at Wal-Mart.
In summer he drives his pick-up around town for the kids to cool off in.
The plastic stops us from leaving rings on the inside of the bed.

These are all Uncle Otis's sons: Clarence, Huey, Dewey, Louie,
Donald, Wade, and Junior. They're in a band. Junior is the oldest
and has all of Conway Twitty's tapes.

That's the big lot they live on. The other day they mowed the lawn and found a car.

Billy-Bob and Jim-Bob run the pawn shop. Billy-Bob is so nice he wanted to
donate his mattress to them folks at the Salvation Army but they turned it down.

Cooter works down at his dad's pawn shop. Larlene is a
operator on the Home Shopping Channel. They started dating
after she recognized his voice when she sold him a Palm Pilot.

That's his sister Jolene. She got knocked up by one of Otis's boys
again. At least she'll be able to get her drivers license soon.

These are 2 kids we throw stuff at. There used to be 3 of them.
Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff no more.

That's uncle Herb. He's a distant relative now he's moved to New Mexico. He
got a job at Taco Bell there (I think it's a phone company). Herb's eyes must be going
bad. He swears martians are blue. He also reckons wrestling's fake.

New Neighbors!


Ernest parked a coupla lots away a month back. He lives with two girls.
I dunno if they're his wife and her sister or cousin or friends or what.

The girls opened a hair saloon behind their trailer.
It still has the 'wide load' sign stuck on. LOL!


This is Samantha. She moved into Sam's place just last week.
She'd took over as if she always lived there. We never thunk Sam
even had a sister but I can see the similiarity. I think she likes me.

NEWS!!! Jack's back!!!

That's uncle Jack. He's moved back from Georgia after his divorce.
He's mighty rich, you should see his truck! It's even got an 8-track player in it!
But he's a little wierd. He don't celebrate Groundhog Day and his clothes
got no logos on. Jack's also got his own homepage.

Well, I reckon that's it!!

I sure hope you enjoyed visiting my page and the folks in our little town.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

your webmaster Averell.

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