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A CANONICAL LIST OF BLONDE JOKES
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A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "Oh well!", then turned around and drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
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Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
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A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
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A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
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Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could
do without the gardener.
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A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
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There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and
got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here
and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I
think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten
miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just
in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
your finger out, I'll sink?"
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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
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The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
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Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
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Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
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A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
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Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
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Did you hear about the blonde who:
- had more on her body than on her mind?
- took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
- got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
- was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
- had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
- thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
- was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a
crazy cat?
- after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't just
get taller girls?
- went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
- brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
- thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some
food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of
milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still
pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then
the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you
refilled those."
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Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the
Hymenlick Maneuvre.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on
the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made
for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot stool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from
the sky, a voice boomed out, "HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of
cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a
voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set
up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more,
the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you? God?"
The voice replied, "NO, YOU DUMB BLONDE, I OWN THE @$#&! ICE RINK!"
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Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
BLONDE #1: Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!
BLONDE #2: Just ignore him.
BLONDE #1: I can't. He's using my hand.
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BLONDE #1: It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
BLONDE #2: Gee, what are you taking for it?
BLONDE #1: Snuff.
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DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths."
ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen."
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LAST YEAR I REPLACED ALL OF THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE WITH THOSE EXPENSIVE
DOUBLE-PANE ENERGY EFFICIENT KIND. BUT, THIS WEEK I GOT A CALL FROM THE
CONTRACTOR COMPLAINING THAT HIS WORK HAD BEEN COMPLETED A WHOLE YEAR AGO,
AND I HAD YET TO PAY FOR THEM.
BOY OH BOY, DID WE GO AROUND!! JUST BECAUSE I'M BLONDE, DOESN'T MEAN
THAT I AM AUTOMATICALLY STUPID!! SO, I PROCEEDED TO TELL HIM JUST WHAT
HIS FAST-TALKING SALES GUY HAD TOLD ME LAST YEAR... THAT IN ONE YEAR,
THE WINDOWS WOULD PAY FOR THEMSELVES. THERE WAS SILENCE ON THE OTHER END
OF THE LINE, SO I JUST HUNG UP AND I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM SINCE.
GUESS I WON THAT STUPID ARGUMENT.
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I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
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A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just
don't remember who with.
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[From the personal archives]
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