The Dark Sucker



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For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. 

However, more recent information has proven otherwise. 
Electric bulbs don't emit light - instead, they suck dark. 

Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory 
proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of 
light, and that dark is, in fact, faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. 
Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There 
is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the 
dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a 
parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full 
of dark, they can no longer suck. This is indicated by a black spot on 
a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle 
has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick 
turns black, representing all of the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip 
will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the 
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited 
range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't 
handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage
unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or 
replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this 
mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark 
sucker. Candles present a special problem as the dark must travel into 
a solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of 
heat. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark 
is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a 
lake, you will see a lot of light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you 
notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach the depth of 
approximately 50 feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the 
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light 
floats to the top. 

The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can 
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it 
through turbines. This generates electricity and helps push dark to the 
ocean, where it can be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much 
more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. 
The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a 
river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the 
dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When 
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to 
help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to 
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then 
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the 
closet; but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the 
dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our 
lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light 
bulb, remember that it is, indeed, a dark sucker.


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