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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"Safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and we will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways
out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 261
to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
child, pick your favourite.
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought us to a screeching halt against
the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax. and... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup
of hot coffee and spilled it all in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see
the back of mine!"
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[Contributed by Martie]
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