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"Last" week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that
they were setting up a bank containing sperm samples of all
the wildlife under their supervision. At the same time, zoo
sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang won a competition
for "Worst Job in Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo,
the Jurong Bird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of
sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.
And it is Mr. Binatang's job to collect the sperm.
"Teruk, sial," said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his
rounds at 4 a.m. in the morning. "We start so early in the
morning because a lot of the animals have a 'morning glory'
when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm then."
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with
ice and tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just
graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life
sciences. He liked nature and animals, and thought that the
Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orangutan a hand job every
morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And Ah Meng is the worst.
He expects to be kissed first."
As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's
most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind
his head, and sporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed,
and applied massage oil onto his gloves.
We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered
and knelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching
noises could be heard before Mr. Binatang emerged again.
"So fast?" we asked.
"He's shy with you strangers looking on and can't perform today,"
said Mr. Binatang with a grin, before silently mouthing "thank you"
to us.
We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were
sprawled lazily on the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached.
"Sayang, sayang," said Mr. Binatang in a somewhat half-hearted
manner as he put on a fresh set of gloves and entered the enclosure.
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several tupperwares full
of viscous fluid.
"Is that...?" we asked gingerly. "It's not soya bean," replied
Mr. Binatang grimly. "Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang
was silent for a while.
"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed,
faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, "Give that
man a tiger."
Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his
duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, the giraffe and the gorillas,
amongst others.
"Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now
speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. "The polar bears come
rather quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their
cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards.
The elephant is the most teruk because of the size of its thing...
sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the
bell ringer in a cathedral. Like Quasimodo or something. And god,
when he comes, it's like being sprayed by hot glue."
Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. The
cooler box was full of neatly-labeled tupperwares of animal semen,
which were duly delivered to the WRS office.
"I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this job," said
Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. "As you can expect it's
really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife
initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my
mind."
The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang's difficulties and promises that
the semen collection procedure will soon change. But not because
of the unpleasantness of the job.
"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang
coming over every morning to pull them off," said deputy
assistant director Lai Jee Seow. "Many of them now can't be
bothered to engage in real sex."
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[Ripped off the 'net]
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