Cerebrally disadvantaged: Advice



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 1. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
    circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the
    garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
    the stain and check that it is gone.

 2. Give comics that "Pulp Fiction" feel by reading the last frames of
    cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

 3. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 4. Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
    enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting
    someone else win.

 5. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
    cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
    to insulate your loft.

 6. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
    sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and
    driving the wrong way up one way streets.

 7. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
    chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

 8. X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
    drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
    strange place the following morning, having had your memory 
    mysteriously erased.

 9. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
    costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

10. Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal "toast racks" for Ritz crackers.

11. Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by
    ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a
    JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker 
    the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB, 
    unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. 
    Watch their faces in the morning!

12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.

13. Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

14. Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
    before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding
    dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

15. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep.

16. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
    chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is
    time to have the oven serviced.


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